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Forum > Artists & Authors > Also proof read and criticize this. lol
j00ntree.
Joined: Sep 05, 2010
Post count:5615
Posted: Apr 02, 2012 08:56 PM

The Hatter
Jamie

Deep deep, into a broken world
where up is down and down is left
and right and sideways

A table with a thousand seats is set
for two with saucers and cups and fancy
things

And the tea is brewed to the perfect
lukewarm temperature and broken glass
clutters the table

And as your partner raises his glass
a toast proposed
to Ms. Alice
☆~(ゝ。∂)♥(ㅇㅂㅇ)~★
the hyungseok to my taejun.
NationalLoser
Joined: Dec 11, 2010
Post count:9747
Posted: Apr 03, 2012 04:13 AM

And the tea is brewed to the perfect
lukewarm temperature and broken glass
clutters the table

When I first read this, I thought the first line contained a grammatical error. I don't know. It's a beautifully crafted sentence, I just feel like if could be broken up in a different way.

Other than that, it's a lovely poem. It contains all the confusion and magic of Alice in Wonderland, and that's probably its strongest point.
Let's be 1905 but not 1917
j00ntree.
Joined: Sep 05, 2010
Post count:5615
Posted: Apr 03, 2012 04:28 PM

ty!
I'll think of a different way to rephrase that. :)
☆~(ゝ。∂)♥(ㅇㅂㅇ)~★
the hyungseok to my taejun.
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